I've participated in Lent before but it was mainly for the sake of doing it. I couldn't explain why I considered it worthwhile to give something up for 40 days. My roommates and I talked a lot before Lent started about what we would give up and the purpose. In past Lent seasons I've prided myself in being disciplined and making it through the season without any setbacks. I had made it about me-forgetting Jesus and reducing it to an exercise in self-discipline. This year God began to change my heart and challenged me through those conversations to come back to the heart of it and remember Jesus. I began praying that God would use this time to draw me closer to Him and show me new things.
After much debate I decided to give up coffee for Lent. At that point I was still thinking my self-discipline would make this a cinch and that I would just try to remember to pray more. This was not the case. I would describe myself as a coffee addict and even recruiter of coffee-lovers. I love talking about coffee, thinking about coffee and drinking coffee. Giving up coffee while living in a country with amazing coffee and with girls who drink it everyday is really hard. My withdrawal symptoms were not that bad. I was tired more but there were no headaches so I was fortunate. What was worse is that I never stopped wanting it. Even the smell of coffee grounds made my heart skip a beat. It may sound like I'm being dramatic but my roommates can attest to this.
The weird thing with this Lent was that it never got easier. But for that reason I think it was the best one I've had. God answered prayers and showed me things I'm so grateful for. I saw how my desire for coffee was so great and God was asking me how much do you desire Me? Do you see your need for Me? Do you see that you can't make it through the morning let alone the rest of the day with out Me? It began a shift in my thinking and and a reordering of my desires. I saw the never-ending cravings for coffee pointing me back to my soul's craving for more of God. God created us with eternal souls that need Him to live and can only be satisfied in Him. On some level we all sense this longing but we struggle to find the depths of it and think it can be satisfied with other things, like a our dream job, travel or anything else, really. The more I've looked into this, the more I've seen that trying to live off of those things doesn't bring life..and often we spend our lives trying to get them only to find that it wasn't worth it. But when we seek our satisfaction and life in God, we find it..and we want more. My prayer throughout the season changed from, "Lord, help my cravings for coffee to go away," to "Father, help my desire for you to grow and let me not settle for what can't satisfy."
"I wait for the Lord, My soul waits,
And in His word I do hope.
My soul waits for the Lord
More than those who watch for
the morning--
Yes, more than those who watch
for the morning."
-Psalm 130:5-6
As I sit and write this I've polished off what I've decided is my last cup of coffee indefinitely (I still love coffee but since I've been drinking it again this week I've realized that I'm healthier without it). It will be hard but as I continue on this journey to knowing God better I hope to find an even greater hunger for my Savior and still more satisfaction.
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